Day 31 of Self-Imposed Celibacy

In the middle of a Mexican jungle last month, inspired by the myriad insects that so resembled men in nyc - from the emerald-eyed lightening bugs that dive bomb and pinch you to the scorpions to the blood suckers - I decided to give up dating for the remainder of 2008. It just felt like the thing to do. Since my divorce a year and a half ago, I've had one semi-relationship: with a man I believe had a male lover on the side. Otherwise, I've been on scores of dates, but not one with a man I felt had the potential for anything beyond mild amusement and occasional sex. I figured I'd rather spend the energy on other things.

Since I made that decision, men have so kindly given me frequent reminders for why I'm better off celibate. First there was the "friend" who tried to take advantage of me when I was drunk (mind you, I was responsible for being drunk, but he played the friend card to make me think I was safe from aggressive pursuit in his company). Three weeks ago he IM'ed me out of the blue, trying to convince me to go out with him. When I made it clear I wasn't interested in repeating the drunken episode, he tried to convince me he was relationship material and that we should consider something more serious. The real reason I didn't want to repeat the drunken episode, and that a relationship was out of the question, was because I don't find him in the least bit attractive. In fact, I find him repulsive. I'm not cruel, so I tried to soften the blow by telling him I didn't think we were a good match. He wouldn't let it go and pressed the issue. Are men gluttons for rejection? I finally had to put it plainly: I'm not interested. Period.

Then there was the guy who, after telling him repeatedly I only wanted to be friends, tried to trick me into kissing him. He had been reading my palm and then wanted to "try something else." I needed to close my eyes. I closed my eyes for a split second before thinking, "WTF?!" When I opened them, my view was blocked by his face coming in for the kiss. I pushed him against the wall. A long discussion ensued in which I explained that when I say I only want to be friends, I truly only want to be friends. He wouldn't let it go and pressed the issue. I told him in no uncertain terms that I wasn't interested. A couple weeks ago, he sent me a text message asking if I'd like to be his "friend with benefits." Again: WTF?! Again: Are men gluttons for rejection?

Last night I was at Summer Stage in Central Park with a girlfriend. A man sitting behind us chatted me up. I was friendly because I enjoy talking to complete strangers. However, I don't think I sent any romantic signals. I had no interest whatsoever, celibacy aside. For one thing, he has a daughter who is close in age to me. What's more, he lives in Ohio. Before he left, he asked if he could see me again. This really annoyed me because I can only conclude he was hoping for a quick fling before he heads back to Ohio. I just don't get it. Why would I choose to be with a man who has nothing to offer? What's the point?

Don't get me wrong. I love men. I LOVE MEN. Most of my best friends have been men. I've been head over heels in love three times. I would fall head over heels in love with the same men if they were to walk back into my life (I'm still in touch with two of the three, but they're both married).

Perhaps I'm so sensitive about it because I made a bad decision when I got married, and I'm gun shy now. I married a man who was head over heels in love with me, not because I loved him but because I loved being adored. Now I'm working on adoring myself so that I'm not dependent on the wrong man to do it for me. So there you have it - that's the real reason behind this self-imposed celibacy. No more married men, no more desperate men, no more closeted bi men. No more trick kisses or trick penises, for that matter. Just me. And one helluva New Year's party. Can't wait.